I am sitting in my living room wishing I had enough sleep, watching for my daughter to sit up so she can throw up again. I am wishing my plans for the day were not changed. I am thinking, "well, I can get the house cleaned now".
It is amazing to me how in an instant, at 4 am your day can change. I am remembering so many times that my life has changed just as quickly. I will say the first was the day I married my husband of 21 years. Some days I was not sure if it was changed for the better or worse, but it was changed. I no longer took care of just me. We were a team. Everything I did affected him and vice versa. We did not always consider that when we made our decisions, and that was when things went from good to bad. So many times I have seen couples fall apart because one of them thought only of themselves first. I have seen one or both of them long for a better marriage and not have that wish come true. I have even felt that myself in small doses sometimes. Understanding that you are married now and one, not two people in many ways is a very hard concept to grasp. To think of your spouse first before anything is extremely hard. You were on your own, making all decisions base solely on yourself and how if affect you. Now you MUST consider the other person in your life. Huge adjustments must be made on both sides.
Onto the second most life changing event in my (our) lives. My pregnancy with our son Jimmy. We were elated and terrified at the same time. We had had so many problems having children up to this point. I had 2 tubal pregnancies, one requiring the removal of one of my Fallopian tubes So when we discovered that we were pregnant with Jimmy and that the pregnancy was going well, we were so overjoyed. The life change was evident in my rounded belly, the kicks, and tiredness I felt. Then another life changing event happened. Jimmy died in-utero. He had tied his cord in a knot. We went to the doctor because I just felt like something was not right. When the doctor told me he was dead, my life ended. In one second the joy was gone. For many years we were not happy with anything. Our jobs, our marriage, our lives. We thought it was done.
At this point in the blog I must admit to one of my "bad mother" moments. When I originally started writing this blog, I made it about half way through the first paragraph when I was interrupted by one of my life changes and did not get back to the writing for about three hours. I also did not preview prior to posting. So when I received a call from our oldest daughter, I had to apologize for skipping over her in this blog. So here is my edit. About one year after we were married about a year, an acquaintance of ours was having extreme difficulty raising her daughter. She was nine,almost ten at the time. This young girl was difficult, challenging, and to say the least, stubborn . The mother was concerned that Children and Youth was going to step in. My husband and I agreed to take care of her and received custody. Congratulations! You are the proud new parents of a nine year old BRAT! (We love you Jennifer) Almost immediately Jennifer started to challenge us at every turn. If she was told to do her homework, she would goof off. If she was told to go outside, she would sit on the porch and pout. As I look back now, I understand why she behaved that way, but at the time I was a newly married 25 year old raising a tough 10 year old. I had absolutely NO parenting experience. We were flying blind. What a fabulous young lady she has turned out to be. She is one of the most caring individuals I have ever met. If I am sick or hurt, I would rather have her than my mother to care for me. If you ask her to do something for you, she will do everything she can to do it. I am proud almost 20 years later that she calls me MOM and I can call her my daughter. Again I will apologize to her for being so distracted by my little "life changer" and skipping so far ahead in my story. She is a blessing to her father and I.
Now for the next life changing event. We got pregnant with our son Gabriel. As you would expect, terror was an everyday emotion. We were so scared that Gabe would not make it. If he didn't move often enough, I would poke him until he got annoyed with me and would kick me back. I needed the reassurance. Wel almost fourteen years later he is taller than me and mouthy as any 13 year old boy can be, but I absolutely adore him and the young man he has become.
So many life changing events. Onto Rebekah. She was one of the biggest life changing events. I was 40 years old when I discovered I was pregnant. Quite the surprise as I thought my iron levels were just low. Can you imagine our disbelief and excitement. Even a little fear in there. Let's face it, I was no spring chicken. Nine months later, our sweet baby girl was born. How life changing is that? My friends were having grandchildren, and I was having another baby! God's work is amazing. Our lives were overflowing with great things. We love our jobs, are financial stable, if irresponsible, have two beautiful children. Who could ask for more?
Well, lo and behold, here comes another huge change. God called my husband into ministry. I, frankly, threw a huge fit. Not because he wanted to be a pastor, but because I did not think he had any clue what toll it takes on the entire family. We would have to uproot our children from the only home they knew. We may have to move far away from our families. Would I have to quit the best job I ever had to travel with him? We did have to move, I didn't have to quit my job, and we have moved to a wonderful neighborhood in which to raise our children. Wow! Could our lives be blessed any more? The answer...YES!
We are now the proud parents of three (yes, count them) three foster children. What an adjustment that was. Going from 2 children to five! Chaos ensued. Dishes and laundry abounded. Then we figured it out. We made a plan. We involved everyone in the house in the daily chores. Whew. We could relax a little. Well, not much, we do have five active children. But what a blessing given to us by God. To watch not only our own children grow and develop, but to watch these troubled children grow and flourish in a stable home is such a joy. To see them do something normal and make friends and enjoy sports is something that can't really be described.
So, God has blessed us with so many things. Even the joy of having our son Jimmy, even if for such a short time is a blessing. To know that He has a plan for us and He will be with us through everything good and bad makes everything we do so amazing. Remembering His love for us helps us through these life changing events. When God enters your life, He changes it. It may not seem like the events are for the better, but they always are. They are always for His glory. They are always the best for you. Your Father will always love you and always care for you. So, when those life changing events scare you to death, pray. Lift up your fears to Him. and then accept the change He has given you with every bit of faith you have. You just never know where it will lead you
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Struggling
Recently I have been having problems keeping Satan out of my thoughts. He keeps sticking his voice in my head at odd times throughout the day. I will be fine and then all of a sudden I feel resentment or anger over the smallest of things. I know how to solve this problem. I need to read God's Word more. Just when I decide that I am going to do just that, I hear this thought in my head. "I don't have time to read the Bible. I have laundry to fold, dishes to do, kids to shuttle, groceries to buy. Not only that I have to go to work."
Do you ever have these thought? That God can wait for us to have time for Him. We all know that He will Why do we think He deserves the least we can give Him? Why do we think He deserves less than our very best?
I tend to let life interfere with my relationship with Him. I get involved in my daily life and put Him to the side. My Bible will stay in my bag for days. Then I pull it out and read for a few days, then it goes back in the bag and life goes on. Then Satan tries to take over again. The bad thoughts come back, the resentment, the anger, the frustration with my life. Satan looks for any small crack in our Faith to sneak in and try to take over our lives and ruin us. It doesn't take a very large crack. Just the smallest of darkenss and Satan will enter.
Why do I let it happen? Why do I forget who gave me everything I have? Why do I forget God needs me? Why do I forget I NEED HIM? I have been unbelievably blessed in my life. I have a husband who loves the Lord. I have three beautiful children and three fabulous foster children. They bring me joy (and I admit frustration) on a daily basis. I have a wonderful house to live in that keeps me warm and sheltered. I have food to put on the table. I have good health. My children aren't sick. I am blessed to have a job that I love and friends that are so good to me. So why do I not thank Him daily for these blessings? Why do I let Him fall aside to live my life?
I would not even have life if it weren't for Jesus Christ. He came here to save me, and you, from our sins so that I, and you, may have eternal life. He suffered so that I did not have to. Yet I make the choice to suffer. I make the choice to let the anger and frustration enter my life. The show that anger to my children when I get upset with them and yell. I let that frustration show to my husband when we have problems communicating with each other. Instead of sitting down and looking to Him, the Most High, for my answers, I let Satan enter. Satan tells me my kids are just brats that don't listen. He tells me my husband doesn't understand me at all. He tells me there isn't enough time in the day to read the Bible. I make the choice to let Satan in and keep God out.
So today I will make the commitment to go back to the Lord. I make the commitment to read the Bible everyday. I make the choice to do everything I can to keep Satan out. I am sure tomorrow I will try to let things interrupt again. I pray my determination stays with me tomorrow. I will pray for that everyday.
My prayer for today is this: "Lord, help me to focus on You and all that you have blessed me with. Remind me that without your grace, I would have nothing, be nothing. Help me to find joy in You and Your Word. Help me to keep Satan out of my life. Lord, I pray that everyday I thank You for my children, husband, friends most of all. For they are here to help me on my path to you. Lord, thank you for the struggles you have given me. They only make me stronger if I let them. Lord, help me today to display the life you have given me to someone who needs You. Let me show them that they too can have peace and happiness if they just remember to keep You in their lives and keep Satan out. All these things I pray in your Son's holy name. Amen"
Do you ever have these thought? That God can wait for us to have time for Him. We all know that He will Why do we think He deserves the least we can give Him? Why do we think He deserves less than our very best?
I tend to let life interfere with my relationship with Him. I get involved in my daily life and put Him to the side. My Bible will stay in my bag for days. Then I pull it out and read for a few days, then it goes back in the bag and life goes on. Then Satan tries to take over again. The bad thoughts come back, the resentment, the anger, the frustration with my life. Satan looks for any small crack in our Faith to sneak in and try to take over our lives and ruin us. It doesn't take a very large crack. Just the smallest of darkenss and Satan will enter.
Why do I let it happen? Why do I forget who gave me everything I have? Why do I forget God needs me? Why do I forget I NEED HIM? I have been unbelievably blessed in my life. I have a husband who loves the Lord. I have three beautiful children and three fabulous foster children. They bring me joy (and I admit frustration) on a daily basis. I have a wonderful house to live in that keeps me warm and sheltered. I have food to put on the table. I have good health. My children aren't sick. I am blessed to have a job that I love and friends that are so good to me. So why do I not thank Him daily for these blessings? Why do I let Him fall aside to live my life?
I would not even have life if it weren't for Jesus Christ. He came here to save me, and you, from our sins so that I, and you, may have eternal life. He suffered so that I did not have to. Yet I make the choice to suffer. I make the choice to let the anger and frustration enter my life. The show that anger to my children when I get upset with them and yell. I let that frustration show to my husband when we have problems communicating with each other. Instead of sitting down and looking to Him, the Most High, for my answers, I let Satan enter. Satan tells me my kids are just brats that don't listen. He tells me my husband doesn't understand me at all. He tells me there isn't enough time in the day to read the Bible. I make the choice to let Satan in and keep God out.
So today I will make the commitment to go back to the Lord. I make the commitment to read the Bible everyday. I make the choice to do everything I can to keep Satan out. I am sure tomorrow I will try to let things interrupt again. I pray my determination stays with me tomorrow. I will pray for that everyday.
My prayer for today is this: "Lord, help me to focus on You and all that you have blessed me with. Remind me that without your grace, I would have nothing, be nothing. Help me to find joy in You and Your Word. Help me to keep Satan out of my life. Lord, I pray that everyday I thank You for my children, husband, friends most of all. For they are here to help me on my path to you. Lord, thank you for the struggles you have given me. They only make me stronger if I let them. Lord, help me today to display the life you have given me to someone who needs You. Let me show them that they too can have peace and happiness if they just remember to keep You in their lives and keep Satan out. All these things I pray in your Son's holy name. Amen"
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Closure
With the release if the cause of death in the Kelley Snyder case, everyone is talking about closure. Is it really? I have seen several people sharing the article on social medias sites. I have seen prayers being offered to the family and the community. A book is being written in Kelley's honor by a local author. All of these things seem good to me. People want to heal, but they want to remember.
Unfortunately with these things comes hate. So much hate is in the world today and I am seeing it swim to the surface today. As I was reading some of the posts today, I saw some people saying they want BJ to rot in jail. They think he is a monster who doesn't deserve to live. They think no punishment is too severe for him. By far the worst post I saw slammed the parents of BJ for raising him. I believe the quote was, and to the Snyders, you raised him. Then yet another person stated they wanted one child to go to her aunt, one child to go to his father, and the other to go to his father.
After all the horrible events since Easter day, I am having a very hard time with the hate that has come out of this. Most of the people I talk to are very sympathetic to the family and the children. Most people have been very supportive to them and just want the best for them. But the ones who seem to have the most hate are the ones who are posting nasty things to BJ's parents and who think it is actually a good idea to separate children who have already lost EVERYTHING.
These children lost their mother and will never get her back. They have also lost their father/step-father to the same violence. He is in jail. To them, he is lost too. Their feelings are different for BJ than their mother, but they lost both their parents in one night. If their parents both died in a car crash, would people be so quick to advise they be separated? Or would they say, these children deserve to be together as much as possible. Would they be accusing BJ's parents of raising a bad person if he was the person driving in bad snow and wrecked and died. The cause of death does not matter in the long run. The fact that their parents are gone and their lives are irrevocably changed is what matters.
I have seen such anguish on the faces of the people most affected by the loss of Kelley. Their heartbreak is evident on their faces. Kelley touched so many people in such a positive manner. It is a shame to see such negativity being brought out. No hate. Anger is ok, but please try to remember that her children hear everything that is said. They know that you are talking about them. The know you are talking about their mother. They know that you are talking about their father/step-father. They know that you are talking about their grandparents. They have had so much hurt and loss in the past month. They do not need more. They do not need more pain at the hands of the people who profess to be so hurt by the loss of Kelley.
Please stop and think about what is being said and posted on social media sites. Enough will be said in the media that we can't control. Let's all have some sympathy for these broken babies of Kelley's. Let's show them the kind of love and understanding that we all know she would show to someone else's babies if they were hurt. Let's try to remember that the Snyder family is doing the best they know how in a very difficult situation. We do not have to agree with them. We do need to be loving. We do need to be graceful. And we do need to be forgiving.
Closure? Can we expect this to ever happen with this tragic situation? Probably not completely. Can we have a measure of healing? Yes. If we can remember to have a few simple things in our hearts. Compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and prayer. These things will be the only things that will heal us all.
Unfortunately with these things comes hate. So much hate is in the world today and I am seeing it swim to the surface today. As I was reading some of the posts today, I saw some people saying they want BJ to rot in jail. They think he is a monster who doesn't deserve to live. They think no punishment is too severe for him. By far the worst post I saw slammed the parents of BJ for raising him. I believe the quote was, and to the Snyders, you raised him. Then yet another person stated they wanted one child to go to her aunt, one child to go to his father, and the other to go to his father.
After all the horrible events since Easter day, I am having a very hard time with the hate that has come out of this. Most of the people I talk to are very sympathetic to the family and the children. Most people have been very supportive to them and just want the best for them. But the ones who seem to have the most hate are the ones who are posting nasty things to BJ's parents and who think it is actually a good idea to separate children who have already lost EVERYTHING.
These children lost their mother and will never get her back. They have also lost their father/step-father to the same violence. He is in jail. To them, he is lost too. Their feelings are different for BJ than their mother, but they lost both their parents in one night. If their parents both died in a car crash, would people be so quick to advise they be separated? Or would they say, these children deserve to be together as much as possible. Would they be accusing BJ's parents of raising a bad person if he was the person driving in bad snow and wrecked and died. The cause of death does not matter in the long run. The fact that their parents are gone and their lives are irrevocably changed is what matters.
I have seen such anguish on the faces of the people most affected by the loss of Kelley. Their heartbreak is evident on their faces. Kelley touched so many people in such a positive manner. It is a shame to see such negativity being brought out. No hate. Anger is ok, but please try to remember that her children hear everything that is said. They know that you are talking about them. The know you are talking about their mother. They know that you are talking about their father/step-father. They know that you are talking about their grandparents. They have had so much hurt and loss in the past month. They do not need more. They do not need more pain at the hands of the people who profess to be so hurt by the loss of Kelley.
Please stop and think about what is being said and posted on social media sites. Enough will be said in the media that we can't control. Let's all have some sympathy for these broken babies of Kelley's. Let's show them the kind of love and understanding that we all know she would show to someone else's babies if they were hurt. Let's try to remember that the Snyder family is doing the best they know how in a very difficult situation. We do not have to agree with them. We do need to be loving. We do need to be graceful. And we do need to be forgiving.
Closure? Can we expect this to ever happen with this tragic situation? Probably not completely. Can we have a measure of healing? Yes. If we can remember to have a few simple things in our hearts. Compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and prayer. These things will be the only things that will heal us all.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Just a good day
Today was just one of those days that you need to write about.
This morning started out with me sleeping in until 7 am. Yes, you heard me right. I slept in until 7 am! I had the privilege of taking my kids to school. Then I came home and got ready to head to town. I got my hair done, which always makes me feel fantastic. After that I had some time to fool around, so I walked around downtown Lock Have for a little while. I rarely get to see downtown any more.
It's nice to stroll along the streets and see the changes happening. After that I went to work and the day was pretty nice. My schedule was light, so I got a chance to work in the clinic today. I rarely get that opportunity and it was nice to go back to basics. After work I drove home. The drive is beautiful There is always something new and gorgeous to see on the Renovo road. God was in a really good mood when this area was created.
When I got home, I actually had a nice conversation with my son. We had a talk about things that were going on at school. Then we went for a bike ride. Just the two of us. It was so nice to just catch up with him. It seems my life is so busy that I don't have time to just sit down and spend five minutes with him. When we got home from the ride, we hung out in the yard by the fire and made the first round of s'mores for the season. A relaxing evening with my family is just what I needed. They are so few and far between that I cherish them. I hope I can enjoy another on soon.
God has given me so many blessing and I feel as if I don't get to appreciating them as much as I should. I need to take time to give thanks for those blessings. I want to make this summer about building better relationships with all six of my kids. I want to get to know them better, find out what things interest them now. I want to sit back, relax, and thank God for my blessings.
For Doug, Gabe, Rebekah. Jennifer. Shawn, Conner and Megan. I love you all
This morning started out with me sleeping in until 7 am. Yes, you heard me right. I slept in until 7 am! I had the privilege of taking my kids to school. Then I came home and got ready to head to town. I got my hair done, which always makes me feel fantastic. After that I had some time to fool around, so I walked around downtown Lock Have for a little while. I rarely get to see downtown any more.
It's nice to stroll along the streets and see the changes happening. After that I went to work and the day was pretty nice. My schedule was light, so I got a chance to work in the clinic today. I rarely get that opportunity and it was nice to go back to basics. After work I drove home. The drive is beautiful There is always something new and gorgeous to see on the Renovo road. God was in a really good mood when this area was created.
When I got home, I actually had a nice conversation with my son. We had a talk about things that were going on at school. Then we went for a bike ride. Just the two of us. It was so nice to just catch up with him. It seems my life is so busy that I don't have time to just sit down and spend five minutes with him. When we got home from the ride, we hung out in the yard by the fire and made the first round of s'mores for the season. A relaxing evening with my family is just what I needed. They are so few and far between that I cherish them. I hope I can enjoy another on soon.
God has given me so many blessing and I feel as if I don't get to appreciating them as much as I should. I need to take time to give thanks for those blessings. I want to make this summer about building better relationships with all six of my kids. I want to get to know them better, find out what things interest them now. I want to sit back, relax, and thank God for my blessings.
For Doug, Gabe, Rebekah. Jennifer. Shawn, Conner and Megan. I love you all
Saturday, April 25, 2015
The day of dread and joy
Today is the day so many people in our town have been dreading. The day we lay Kelley Snyder's earthly body to rest. So many people searched for this well loved woman only to find her gone to this world. So many people are grieving and filled with sorrow.
Today is her funeral service and I anticipate this to be a very well attended service. I imagine people from all over traveling here to remember her life and grieve their loss. I have heard so many stories about Kelley's life over the past few weeks. Stories of her giving heart and her loving nature. I wish I would have gotten to know her better when she was still here on earth with us. I spent a little time with her while our sons spent time together, but not enough. I feel like I have missed out. I think I would have genuinely enjoyed her company.
As we all get ready for one of the hardest moments, I hope we all remember all the fun things about Kelley. I hope we remember all the loving and giving things she did for the people in her life. I hope we all try to pattern this part of our lives after her. We all could use a little more compassion and giving in our lives. When we see that person that needs a helping hand, remember what Kelley would have done. And then do it. If someone needs groceries, see that they get them. If someone needs clothes, clean out your closet or go to the store and buy some. If there is a charity event, donate what you can. Be it a prize, money or just your time.
In the days that follow our goodbye to this wonderful mother, I want all of you to remember this one thing that Kelley did best of all. Love. Love your children with every ounce of your being. Dedicate yourself to their happiness and well being. Put them first in all things. Raise them to be the best people they can be. Never let them doubt your love for them. As we are all so aware, life is fleeting. We do not know God's plan for us. We do not know when He will call us home. Make the most of every second on this earth He has blessed us with. Never let any one in your life wonder if you loved them. This is where the joy come in. Every time one of you does something for someone else in honor of Kelley, or remembers that your child needs you her life meant something wonderful. She touched each and everyone of you in some way. There is the joy. Take that joy with you today as your leave the grave side, and know she is not there. She has left this earth for someplace better and has left behind a legacy is all of you.
Today is her funeral service and I anticipate this to be a very well attended service. I imagine people from all over traveling here to remember her life and grieve their loss. I have heard so many stories about Kelley's life over the past few weeks. Stories of her giving heart and her loving nature. I wish I would have gotten to know her better when she was still here on earth with us. I spent a little time with her while our sons spent time together, but not enough. I feel like I have missed out. I think I would have genuinely enjoyed her company.
As we all get ready for one of the hardest moments, I hope we all remember all the fun things about Kelley. I hope we remember all the loving and giving things she did for the people in her life. I hope we all try to pattern this part of our lives after her. We all could use a little more compassion and giving in our lives. When we see that person that needs a helping hand, remember what Kelley would have done. And then do it. If someone needs groceries, see that they get them. If someone needs clothes, clean out your closet or go to the store and buy some. If there is a charity event, donate what you can. Be it a prize, money or just your time.
In the days that follow our goodbye to this wonderful mother, I want all of you to remember this one thing that Kelley did best of all. Love. Love your children with every ounce of your being. Dedicate yourself to their happiness and well being. Put them first in all things. Raise them to be the best people they can be. Never let them doubt your love for them. As we are all so aware, life is fleeting. We do not know God's plan for us. We do not know when He will call us home. Make the most of every second on this earth He has blessed us with. Never let any one in your life wonder if you loved them. This is where the joy come in. Every time one of you does something for someone else in honor of Kelley, or remembers that your child needs you her life meant something wonderful. She touched each and everyone of you in some way. There is the joy. Take that joy with you today as your leave the grave side, and know she is not there. She has left this earth for someplace better and has left behind a legacy is all of you.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
I thought it would be easier now
After we had to tell a young man his mom was dead, I thought it would be easier. It's isn't.
Today, this poor boy found out his birth father was on the way to see him and his grandparents told him he couldn't come. In their defense, it is court ordered that the birth father has to set up visitation at Children and Youth and the father came on the weekend. The young man was so upset. He, of course, blamed his grandparents. Called them idiots. Told me he wanted to run away and never come back.
My husband and I tried to reason with him. We tried to tell him things were different now. The rules had changed. He was going to have to learn how to deal with things the way they are now. He was so upset that he couldn't see his birth father. He doesn't understand. He thinks his grandparents are doing it to hurt him. To keep him from having his father in his life.
The conversation we were having was difficult, but nothing compared to the next questions this trouble, hurt boy asked us. He wanted to know if he could come live with us and bring his little sister. How do you tell a child in so much pain that he can't come to your house to live. We love him and he is always welcome in our home anythime, but we know that he is ok where he is at and no one will let him move in with us. There is no reason to take him out of his grandparents home and put them with us.
Again, we didn't think things could be more difficult. But it did. His mother's funeral is next week and my husband will be officiating, The child asked if his mother's casket would be open. We told him no. Then had to explain that she had laid in the woods for too long to have an open casket. I do believe the family is having her cremated. He broke down then. His exact comment to us was " I just want to see my Mom one more time." My heart shattered in a thousand pieces for this broken and lost boy. All he wants in the entire world is to see his Mom one more time. He doesn't care about all the other things in life. All those things that used to be so important to him. Video systems, bikes, hanging with friends. Just to hear his Mom laugh one more time. To give him a final hug. I imagine just to have the chance to say goodbye to her.
As I sat on the porch holding him and sobbing, I could not for the life of me figure out what to say. How do I explain to him he won't see his mother again. Then my eyes opened, I told him, you will see her again. I pray for this child each and every day. Now added to my prayer will be a prayer for him to know the Lord. Then he will understand he will have a chance to see his mother again.
But for today, I told him you will see her again. I asked him his favorite thing about his Mom. He said her laugh. I told him how beautiful she was. I told him to remember those things about her. I told him he didn't want seeing her dead to be the clearest memory he had of his mother. I hope he understood. I really do. I don't want him to be any more lost that he already is. I don't think he can take any more. I think it would completely destroy him.
As I drove to the store this evening, a song came on the radio. I was so overwhelmed by the words of this song and how much they were fitting what I was feeling that I broke down and cried. I sobbed. I am so blessed to have a God who loves me so much. Who makes sure I will never go through anything alone. I know he will help me through anything. I know he will protect me. My prayer for the lost child in my life is that some day, he knows his God can do all these things for him too. All he has to do is ask.
Today, this poor boy found out his birth father was on the way to see him and his grandparents told him he couldn't come. In their defense, it is court ordered that the birth father has to set up visitation at Children and Youth and the father came on the weekend. The young man was so upset. He, of course, blamed his grandparents. Called them idiots. Told me he wanted to run away and never come back.
My husband and I tried to reason with him. We tried to tell him things were different now. The rules had changed. He was going to have to learn how to deal with things the way they are now. He was so upset that he couldn't see his birth father. He doesn't understand. He thinks his grandparents are doing it to hurt him. To keep him from having his father in his life.
The conversation we were having was difficult, but nothing compared to the next questions this trouble, hurt boy asked us. He wanted to know if he could come live with us and bring his little sister. How do you tell a child in so much pain that he can't come to your house to live. We love him and he is always welcome in our home anythime, but we know that he is ok where he is at and no one will let him move in with us. There is no reason to take him out of his grandparents home and put them with us.
Again, we didn't think things could be more difficult. But it did. His mother's funeral is next week and my husband will be officiating, The child asked if his mother's casket would be open. We told him no. Then had to explain that she had laid in the woods for too long to have an open casket. I do believe the family is having her cremated. He broke down then. His exact comment to us was " I just want to see my Mom one more time." My heart shattered in a thousand pieces for this broken and lost boy. All he wants in the entire world is to see his Mom one more time. He doesn't care about all the other things in life. All those things that used to be so important to him. Video systems, bikes, hanging with friends. Just to hear his Mom laugh one more time. To give him a final hug. I imagine just to have the chance to say goodbye to her.
As I sat on the porch holding him and sobbing, I could not for the life of me figure out what to say. How do I explain to him he won't see his mother again. Then my eyes opened, I told him, you will see her again. I pray for this child each and every day. Now added to my prayer will be a prayer for him to know the Lord. Then he will understand he will have a chance to see his mother again.
But for today, I told him you will see her again. I asked him his favorite thing about his Mom. He said her laugh. I told him how beautiful she was. I told him to remember those things about her. I told him he didn't want seeing her dead to be the clearest memory he had of his mother. I hope he understood. I really do. I don't want him to be any more lost that he already is. I don't think he can take any more. I think it would completely destroy him.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
My heart is aching
How do you comfort a boy who has lost his mother?
I am so lost a sea as to what to say or do for this poor young man. He is hurting more than anyone ever should have to. Tonight I sat in my favorite chair with my daughter in my lap and watched a movie. She threw a little fit once and I didn't even get frustrated with her. I can't. She has her mom today. She has her dad today. Her family is complete.
So again I ask, what do you say to a boy whose mother was taken from him far too soon? Not only that, but was taken violently by his father. He posted today about someone saying something bad about his mom. His anger showed through every word, His post said "All I want is to hear my mom yell at me for something." Tears filled my eyes as I read this.
Somewhere in my heart is the right thing to say or do, but I can find it. My hear breaks every time I try to say anything.
He will never get to tell her he found the woman he wants to marry, or smile at her when he graduates from high school. He won't get to call her when he is in college because he misses her. He won't get to make her cry when her hands his first born child to her. How do you make this boy feel better? How do you explain to him the world is not a horrible place and that there is still hope?
I know God. I know that life eternal waits. Does he? Can I make him understand it is not all hopeless? Can I ask him to forgive his father so he doesn't hold hate in his heart his whole life? Can I make him see he will need to forgive him someday? What about his little sister. She is too little to understand now, but who will explain it later to her? Can I make this young man understand that he will probably be the one she looks to for answers when she figures out her mommy is not coming home and neither is her daddy? Can I make him understand he needs to keep the anger and hatred he feels away from her? Will he see that she needs to live her life without that burden on her heart? And if I make him understand it for his sister, will he understand he need to keep that blackness from his heart too?
Lord I pray for guidance today as I have never prayed before. Help me to see the right way to help this beautiful child you created. Help me to lift him up when he needs it. Help his grandparents to see what he needs now. Help them to heal from this tragedy. Help this precious children to let go of the hate and anger and find forgiveness one day. Help them discover You and the joy of eternity.
I am so lost a sea as to what to say or do for this poor young man. He is hurting more than anyone ever should have to. Tonight I sat in my favorite chair with my daughter in my lap and watched a movie. She threw a little fit once and I didn't even get frustrated with her. I can't. She has her mom today. She has her dad today. Her family is complete.
So again I ask, what do you say to a boy whose mother was taken from him far too soon? Not only that, but was taken violently by his father. He posted today about someone saying something bad about his mom. His anger showed through every word, His post said "All I want is to hear my mom yell at me for something." Tears filled my eyes as I read this.
Somewhere in my heart is the right thing to say or do, but I can find it. My hear breaks every time I try to say anything.
He will never get to tell her he found the woman he wants to marry, or smile at her when he graduates from high school. He won't get to call her when he is in college because he misses her. He won't get to make her cry when her hands his first born child to her. How do you make this boy feel better? How do you explain to him the world is not a horrible place and that there is still hope?
I know God. I know that life eternal waits. Does he? Can I make him understand it is not all hopeless? Can I ask him to forgive his father so he doesn't hold hate in his heart his whole life? Can I make him see he will need to forgive him someday? What about his little sister. She is too little to understand now, but who will explain it later to her? Can I make this young man understand that he will probably be the one she looks to for answers when she figures out her mommy is not coming home and neither is her daddy? Can I make him understand he needs to keep the anger and hatred he feels away from her? Will he see that she needs to live her life without that burden on her heart? And if I make him understand it for his sister, will he understand he need to keep that blackness from his heart too?
Lord I pray for guidance today as I have never prayed before. Help me to see the right way to help this beautiful child you created. Help me to lift him up when he needs it. Help his grandparents to see what he needs now. Help them to heal from this tragedy. Help this precious children to let go of the hate and anger and find forgiveness one day. Help them discover You and the joy of eternity.
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